Fail Better

I recently failed a lot at work.  I spearheaded a show that failed.   It failed and if I had done my job better, people would have pulled out their Visas and Mastercards and called the number.  I also failed at another show that really was supposed to be successful because the old one was.  Now, I can make all sorts of excuses as to why things go the way they go, but in the end, I really don't know.  I genuinely liked both of those shows that failed.  I actually thought they were good.  I felt proud of them as they flew out of our server and off to the dub house on their own.  I really thought they would perform well.  So, now what?  A lot of my job is based on what I think is right and will sell.  If I keep thinking things are good when they are not, then I really have no place in this business.  That then leads me down this terrible path of angst that inevitably ends with me in a ditch, poor and fat from too many Taco Bell meals given to me on the street in lieu of money because passer bys don't want me to waste what little cash they throw my way on booze and drugs.  I respect that.  I could probably pick a ditch that is not as close to Taco Bell.  Nonetheless, this spiral down to my future destiny is not pretty.   Sometimes I get all high- horse about things.  I think, "I am obviously too good for this business!  Infomercials?  Please, I come from a background in the theater (said totally snobbishly).  I don't have to take this.  I could be working in Cinema (equal amount of snobbery)."   My biggest fear as that one day I will just lose it, scream, cry, yell, be fired, and  end up being committed into an asylum where the biggest punishment will be that the caged television is playing nothing but infomercials.

I like to go back and forth between epic failure at life and mock confidence.  In the past, when I hit a wall like this where I felt like maybe I wasn't on the right career path, I just changed careers.  That is how I got to be a three times retired 33 year old flooded in student loan debt up to my nose hairs (side effect of getting old - for another time).   Well this is where it gets tricky.  Now, I have a partner and a car payment and deep desire to make babies and buy a house and despite what I hoped for, those things all cost money.  They cost a lot of money.  They cost even more money here.  I looked at a house yesterday that was absolutely perfect and if I had a few hundred thousand dollars laying around, I could buy it.  Then I get so mad because I think about how F&*#ing hard I work and how many long hours I work in order to make other people rich.  The best part is when a show does well, I get little to no recognition while our clients swim in their money and their children never have to worry about student loan debt.  When it fails, though....it's totally my fault.  I alone cause the show to fail.  I actually stay up late plotting how to fail harder for my clients.  No that's not true.  I do, however find it hard to sleep when my shows fail and keep myself up twisting my stomach into knots about my impending street corner status.

All joking aside, it's hard to live with failure.  It's upsetting.  I probably take it too hard but even that is upsetting.  I know I don't make all of these decisions in a  vacuum but I also recognize that as annoying as I am, as loud as my voice is, as persuasive as I am, I hold power over some of the choices that are made.  I am responsible.  I would love to pass the blame but like I said, I thought the shows were good.  I don't really know what to do.  I know what I do and I know it's not working.  I eat too much.  I stay up late watching tv.  I drink wine.  I drive my car with the top down (that is actually awesome).  I am mean to my mom and to Maks and any friends I still have left.  I put off wedding plans and I just pretty much suck at everything non-work related and what am I showing for it?  Failure at work too.  It's not good.

 And why do I do it?  I need the money.  That's the only reason.  You can't be creative when you just do it for money.  You probably can when there is a lot of money to be made but you definitely can't when it's just enough to get by.  I saw some friends this weekend that I haven't seen in a while and they are contemplating moving out of state because trying to live a normal life here with a house and a yard is just not a possibility if you're not a millionaire.  At least it is not right now.  She said, "Why are we working so hard to live HERE?"  Why am I working my A%% off to work here?

I don't have any answers to the questions I posed.  This is more of a sharing blog.  I know that I am not the only one failing at life or work right now.  I also recognize that it could be worse.  Please don't respond to this post by telling me about starving children somewhere.  I absolutely recognize that this is a first world problem.   I also applaud those of you who practice ultimate gratitude everyday.  Good job.  I am not so skilled at that.  I am working on it, though.  I suppose I will end on a Samuel Beckett quote that I am sure so many of you already know that you have stopped reading now.
"Try again.  Fail again.  Fail Better."
   

Going topless these days!

 I once took a trip to Idaho with my mom that was really not enjoyable.  My grandmother was dying and in general it was Idaho.  I don’t feel very welcomed there.  It’s just a different vibe.  I am not really religious and that is practically terrorist activity in Nampa Idaho.   When I got home, I was talking to my boyfriend at the time about the trip and for some reason or another I didn’t have a shirt on.  I stopped what I was saying and asked him to throw me a blanket.  I couldn’t talk about Idaho while topless.  We then went on to label that blanket “The Topless Idaho Blanket.”   At the time, I didn’t truly know the joy of turning a bad experience into a carefree topless one.

I have a 45 minute (without traffic) commute to work and while my job is something that most every person I meet makes fun of in one way or another, it is amazingly stressful.  Every day is filled with a  lot of responsibility.  The problem is that each day also requires a lot of creative thinking and that doesn’t always mix well in my brain with heavy responsibility.   Whether I am trying to make food storage exciting or hair care emotional or even an angry, abusive, cheap, misogynistic client feel heard and empowered, creative thinking is definitely required.  However, time is not always on my side. 

I used to spend most of my commute on the phone with one or ten work related people.  I viewed the commute as the beginning of my work day.  This worked but basically it turned even my short days into a 10-12 hour work day.  I would sometimes talk to my mom during the commute as well and while this is enjoyable, it usually fuels some argument or another about how we can’t hear or understand one another because of bad reception or just noise in general.   We would get cut off at the same place on the commute everyday and in truth, it was just not super satisfying to talk like that.  It’s better done from home when I can relax and enjoy and interruption free chat.  I promise this is all going somewhere.  It’s all moving towards my new true love.  It’s all about my new topless lifestyle.  It’s about my car.

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want a convertible.  I used to drive by them in whatever car my mom or I had at the moment and imagine how great that must feel.  The wind, the sound, the smell, and it all seemed so dreamy.  And you know what?  It is.  I recently purchased a used VW EOS and I have to say that it is the most amazing gift I have ever given myself.    I have turned what used to be a miserable traffic filled angry part of my day into a truly enjoyable experience.  No more phone calls because it just can’t be done with the top down.  No more angry clients because you can’t talk to clients without a top on.  That would be disrespectful.  No more anything in general that could make me mad at all.  It’s my me time.   Sometimes I blast Bruce all the way and sing every note along with him.  Other days I blare Air Supply and smile and laugh as I pass multiple strange looks.  But the best days,  I must say are the days that I spend completely silent.   I don’t speak at all.  Sometimes there is music and sometimes it’s just the sound of the air and the road.  That loud silence is what fuels me these days.   My brain finds a way to solve problems.  My heart finds a way to release.  I sometimes cry and that too is a release.  It’s the best therapy ever. 

A very good friend posted recently about needing advice on how not to get overwhelmed and I can attest to that a lot.  I feel overwhelmed most of the time…but not with top down.   I don’t care what the temperature is.  Yesterday the dial said 35 degrees.  The only thing that keeps my top on these days is rain or a really bad neighborhood.   I need it.   It truly is what keeps me grounded.  So, without making this a complete VW commercial, I offer up topless rides to any of my stressed friends and family.  We can be silent or loud.  Your call.  You just have to try it.  Go topless!